Why do we punish as a society? It is primarily for two reasons. The first is for a certain sense of justice. You did something wrong and therefore, you deserve to feel pain, to feel shame or to be isolated from society in some way. The second is to dissuade. Perhaps if you know there will be a punishment, you’ll think better of committing the crime in the first place. And if you committed the crime anyway and got punished, perhaps the punishment would train you not to do it again.
Given our swelling prisons, I’m not sure this system is working. But that’s for another blog. I’d like to focus on punishment and the ADHD kid.
First, dissuasion. No one wants to be punished, so for many, knowing that you would be is enough to give you pause before doing something you’re not supposed to. If I draw on the wall, Mom might give me a time-out. If I don’t clean my room, my video game time will be taken away. This doesn’t work with the ADHD brain because they don’t get the luxury of that “pause.” They do it first, then pause. Oops, what have I done? So Mom can ask for good behavior by threatening punishment, but it will generally never work. The part of the brain that gives consideration to consequences is three steps behind in the ADHD kid.
Which leads me to punishment as a sense of justice. Why would we want someone who’s done something wrong to feel shame or pain? Because they deserve it, right? They intended to do something wrong without regard. Well, it is usually not the case with the ADHD kid. There was no intention – that’s the problem. It is usually action without intention or thought. If their brain gave them a second to think about what they’re poised to do, they might choose not to do it. But they are rarely afforded that chance. So, by shaming them after, it just trashes their self-esteem. Since they didn’t intend this isolated act, they feel powerless to prevent it in the future. They feel like crap.
As for training them not to do it again, that just flat out doesn’t work for the same reason that dissuasion doesn’t. The implication is that the kid has a certain control or power over their actions. They might someday, with proper behavioral training – but punishment is not proper behavioral training.
Which leads me to a concept I adore. Restorative justice. I wish more of society embraced this. It is the concept whereby offenders take responsibility for their actions by repairing the harm they’ve done. It empowers them and gives them a mindfulness about their actions without needlessly shaming them. Restorative justice for the ADHD kid involves them in understanding the impact of their actions. You wrote on the wall? Here’s a bottle of cleaner, let’s help Mom get it off. While you’re cleaning together, you ask, “Johnny, tell me what you were thinking about right before you wrote on the wall? Next time you have a thought like that, what’s another thought you could think instead? (I’m gonna play with legos instead) Every time you think a better thought, let me know and you’ll get a treat.
Okay, I can hear the screams all the way in my livingroom. You want me to give my kid a treat for thinking? Yes. You may wind up giving your kid tons of treats even when he hasn’t actually switched his thoughts at all. Whatever. The reality is that at some point, it will stick and your child will be poised to whack his brother over the head with a truck, and because the thought of a treat fills his brain with dopamine, (the neurotransmitter he normally lacks that is necessary for his brain to stop him from knocking his brother senseless), he just may have a shot at switching thoughts and lowering the truck.
Hey, don’t try it. I mean, encouraging your kid to talk to you each time he feels he’s successfully diverted himself from bad behavior is stupid, right? Training him to do the right thing in a way that doesn’t shame him and trash his self-esteem is ridiculous, right? I’d stick to time-outs, yelling, and consequences if I were you.
Afterall, punishment seems to be working for you and your ADHD kid just fine.
Merriam Saunders, LMFT 
Every time you write a blog I can relate to what you are saying about living with an ADHD child. I like restorative methods also. I am just wondering about using treats as a positive reinforcement that might work in the short term. How about in the long term? Are you familiar with Alfie Kohn’s views in the book Unconditional Parenting? I love your writing and look forward to reading your blog posts.
Thanks for your comment. I believe “treats” (doesn’t have to be candy btw) are exactly what work in the long term. Because, somewhat like training a dog, it is the constant use of something positive in the short term that eventually changes behavior in the long term. There is a common thought that one must do something for 10,000 hours before mastering it. That’s a long time, but the idea is similar. Repetition of something good reinforces wanted behavior overtime and mastery in the child.
I’m not familiar with Alfie Kohn but I will def. check it out. Thanks!